WINNERS DON'T USE DRUGS

The agony of defeat

2012-02-09T06:58:00.000-08:00

Virtua Tennis was the reason why I bought a Sega Dreamcast. It was also the beginning of a reality check, only I didn’t realise it at the time. Or maybe I just didn’t want to acknowledge it. If truth be told, I’d tell it to sit down and shut the fuck up.

But since this is an honest look at me and my relationship with games, I warmly invite the truth to make itself comfortable.

It’s 1999 and another Saturday evening in the heart of London’s Picadilly. The raucous din of rush hour traffic and consumers, and the hypnotic brilliance of garish neon lights illuminates the giddy mixture of danger and excitement you feel in one of the most culturally multifarious cities in the world. I’m 24, single and out with two of my friends. That day we traipsed from one shop to another. Reading comics, trying on the latest trainers and pawning over the latest gadgets that we could not afford.

Window shopping is hard work so we headed to Burger King and all got Double Whopper Meals. The restaurant was one of the biggest in town with an upstairs seating section that overlooked the heart of Picadilly Circus. We took a seat by the window and got stuck in. Somewhere between the French fries and the regal view, we got into a peusdo philosophical discussion about the size of our sandwich and how it represented a true test of a man.

With our stomachs and egos full, we set a debauched course for the Trocadero Center. At over 450,000 square feet, the Trocadero was one of the biggest entertainment complexes in the United Kingdom. Filled with restaurants, retail stores, tacky souvenir stalls and cafes, it was the spot for tourists and locals alike to hang out. However, for three young men who had just eaten the equivalent of a small herd of cattle and adolescent hormones coursing throughout their bodies, there were two other reasons why Trocadero was the chosen target, girls and a massive arcade.

As I cockily sauntered past the rental security guards minding the entrance, who obviously looked out of their depth due to the heavy concentration of hyperactive teens, I could sense the gaze of young women checking out my swag as I made my way to the escalator that took you up to the arcade. I felt a bit like Pinocchio when he detoured to Pleasure Island, all wide-eyed and drunk on anticipation. As I ascended into the heavens, I noticed a girl standing at the top in tight black jeans that could barely hold her beautifully sculptured thighs. She was hanging out with a taller cocoa skinned friend and gave me a look. The look that says come and talk to me. I cooly flashed a half-smile in acknowledgment of her silent pass and carried on towards the arcade.

Normally when I am at a safe enough distance I would look back over my shoulder to see if she was still checking me out. But this time I didn’t. I couldn’t. The comforting sound of high pitched chip-tunes and the electrical hum of buzzing monitors was a far more alluring muse.

Choosing what to play first was difficult. Normally I would go straight for Street Fighter, but the joysticks on the only machine that wasn’t being used by combo connoisseurs felt like they had thrown their last fireballs, and I didn’t want that to be an excuse for me or my victim. Now that I was out of my comfort zone I decided to try something different. As I wandered around, my eyes rapidly scanned the various cabinets furiously trying to lock on to anything that would make up for not being able to play Street Fighter.

My mates were pumping credits into Crazy Taxi so I decided to go and check it out. I watched as they drove around the beautifully rendered cityscapes, desperately trying not to run people over as they broke every traffic law in order to get their fare to their destination.

Not being the biggest driving game fan, my attention became distracted by a game about 10 meters to the left of Crazy Taxi. I decided to go and investigate and left the boys to it. I walked down three steps and weaved my way through the carnival of gamers and first-daters.

As I reached the cabinet I saw a montage of famous Tennis stars smashing thunderous serves and crisp volleys across the screen before a voiceover said “Virtua Tennis. My curiosity began spiking as I recalled memorable experiences of Sega’s racing and fighting games that also bore the Virtua moniker. I cautiously surveyed the controls:

One Joystick. Two buttons.

A: Normal shot

B: Lob

I choose Tommy Haas and brushed aside my first opponent, “Come on” Tim Henman with ease. No surprise there. Next was Cedric Pioline on clay. He beat me. But I was cool with it. There was no histrionics. No complaints about the computer being cheap or the joystick not being regulation. In fact I loved it, and with a big grin on my face I played Virtua Tennis for the entire night.

A few months later I bought a Dreamcast and Virtua Tennis. The disc rarely left the console as I learnt all the little tricks and nuances needed if you were going to beat the rubber-banding opponents on the final few stages.

I was good at the game.

The only time I got any competitive two player action was when I took on my little brother. I’m a little over five years older than him, which meant I had 1,825 days more experience than him...and it showed. Just like a private tutor I schooled him.

Eventually we played co-op and for me this is where Virtua Tennis really shines. We had a blast taking on the computer and I maintained the balance of power between older and younger brother. That was until two years later.

Sega released Virtua Tennis 2 in 2001. The game introduced some new characters including female players and the ability to slice the ball. I was back in the arcades putting the previous years skills immediately to use. A few months later I got it for the Dreamcast and once again my brother and I put in some serious hours into co-op.

My brother lived with my dad so it was always fun going to see them as my sister, who lived with mum and me, was a very casual gamer and would rather watch than play.

After struggling to get past King and Queen, who are your final doubles opponents if you manage not to lose a game, I challenged my brother to a singles match. He enthusiastically agreed so I choose my go to guy by now Aussie legend Patrick Rafter and my brother decided on Tommy Haas.

What followed is something that I will never forget. Now, it’s important to bear in my mind that my brother didn’t have a Dreamcast or Virtua Tennis. In fact he didn’t have any kind tennis game at all. He owned a Nintendo 64 with the usual Mario and Zelda for titles.

We started the match and I just about took the first game. It was a weird feeling. I didn’t play particularly badly but something was wrong. I kept a poker face trying to keep a psychological advantage, however my brother had other plans. No matter what I did he just retuned every volley, smashed every lob and played the most expertly crafted passing shots. It was if he could read my mind.

He won the next two games and the set. He didn’t gloat or run around the room in fit of victorious hysteria. Come to think about it, I don’t think he realised what he had done. He asked if I wanted to play again and I made up some excuse about being bored and wanting to play something else.

I was so angry and somewhat embarrassed that I had lost. When I got home that evening I ran the events of the game through my mind over and over again. The only conclusion that made any sense was that he was simply getting better and I was on a very slow decline. Now you maybe thinking it was only one game. We all have a bad days at the office at some point. I thought about this for a few days but no amount of pondering could heal the bruising of my wounded pride.

A few days later I was in my bedroom looking up at the ceiling as I contemplated the annoyance of having to work that weekend. I received a text from a girl that I was seeing on and off. She wanted to know what I was doing, wearing and thinking. Small talk soon turned into should I come over flirting, and it was during one particular indecent proposal that the answer to why I had lost some of my gaming mojo popped into my mind.

Time.

Work. Studies. Friends. Family. Girls. They all demanded it.

As life progressed and my responsibilities grew, my time decreased exponentially. What little I had left would go to gaming. But it could not match the amount of time my brother was able to invest in playing video games pretty much all day. It all made sense.

Months later we played Street Fighter. It was like being on the rebound after a break up. It felt good to just fool around and have some fun. I was back on my turf and could beat him with any character in my stride. Apart from a few wrestling titles, my brother never really played fighting games. But my nurturing side, or ego, I’m not really sure which, couldn’t help but coach him about combos, cross-ups, buffering and the psychology of how to win

He is a quick learner and now when it comes to Street Fighter, King of Fighters Dead or Alive, WWE wrestling games or even Gears of War he beats me. Not Virtua Tennis beat me, I still get a few wins in here and there, but the end result is usually the same. Interestingly I’ve never played Virtua Tennis with my brother since. Nowadays I play Top Spin against the computer. I guess the scars of that loss are just too deep. So I ask myself, will I ever dominate him at a game ever again?

Time will tell.

Eargasm

2012-02-09T06:36:00.000-08:00

I've always considered the Wu Tang Clan to be the philosophers of Hip Hop. Sprinkled between the lines of their chronicles of crime, violence and ice cream, the mainly Staten Island (Shaolin) natives often had me scratching my head as I tried to decipher the meaning behind their slang filled verses of wisdom.

One of their more straight forward tracks is 'Can be it all so simple' from their classic debut album Enter the Wu Tang (36 Chambers). Equal parts nostalgic and somewhat haunting, thanks to innovative sampling and production by producer RZA, it's song where clan members recount stories of a time where even though life could be rough growing up on the streets of New York, every thing was just simple back in the day.

Like when I was single. My brother and I used to play video games in my room with an array of sugary foods close to hand and the sound on our crappy little CRT TV jacked right up, distortion and neighbours be damned. But when you meet an awesome girl and later get married, they don't tell you that your wife will constantly remind you of your advancing years and make you feel guilty for your sugary treats, or that any volume north of 10 is frowned upon.

So I needed a solution, and I found one in divorce.

I jest, no, I found them in the guise of Sony's new PS3 Wireless Stereo Headset. These puppies will not only make love to your ears, they'll do it in glorious 7.1 Virtual Surround Sound.

Would you like to know more? Click here.

Where were you when you first saw Street Fighter II?

2012-02-03T02:42:00.000-08:00

I have this theory that everybody can remember where they were when they first saw Street Fighter II.

I was in Croydon, Surrey Street market to be precise and heading for my arcade of choice called Amusements. Inside was buzzing, but on that day something was different.

A horde of testosterone emitting lads were gathered around and fixated in a part of the arcade normally reserved for the toots. I filtered my way through the crowd to get a better view at what had filled the smokey atmosphere with such intensity. And there it was. The most amazing thing I had seen since Snake in the Eagle's Shadow. The six button layout, the multiple characters with unique special moves. I was in love. I couldn't eat. Literally because I spent all my lunch money in Street Fighter II. But you never forget your first love, and I'll never forget Street Fighter.

Where were you the first time you saw Street Fighter II? Holla in the comments below!

The one member of the Commodores I didn't like

2012-02-02T07:00:00.000-08:00

Before I got into Nintendo and Sega, my gaming experienceconsisted of the ZX Spectrum, Amstrad CPC 464 and the Commodore 64. Between allmy friends I managed to ponce a play on all of them. I asked my mumif I could get a Commodore 64. She reluctantly agreed, but when we arrived atthe shop my initial excitement turned to disgruntled disappointment as the 64was not within the budget. I went home in a huff.

Months later I was in a department store with mum, again...when I noticed piledhigh in front of us a stack of Commodore computers on offer.Closer inspection revealed them to be Commodore's Plus/4 model. Whether itwas my previous disappoint or guilt, she bought me one. It was crap, but atleast I had a computer.

Thanks mum.

Why having a good story in a video game is not really necessary.

2012-02-01T23:29:00.000-08:00

sto-ry
noun
a narrative, either true or fictitious, in prose or verse. Designed to interest, amuse, or instruct the hearer or reader.

Along with ‘why are we here?’ the age-old question of are video games a storytelling medium has been baking people’s noodles for years. And as always with these kinds of things, there are two distinct camps. On the player one side we have the passionate defenders. Long in the tooth gaming sentinels who can wax lyrical on the merits of Kojo Kondo’s musical composition or the ethereal beauty in classics such as ICO and Flower, pining for the day where video games are recognised as legitimate sources for telling tales as well as recognised as being art.

Then we have our player twos. Realists who aren’t interested in three act structures, character motivation or mise-en-scène. No. For them a game’s only priority is to provide amusement and bragging rights. In the past when I have been asked for my opinion on this subject...
although never entirely fundamental, my view was one that leaned more towards the former. Recently however I’ve lost my faith. I’ve become a backslider. A secular heathen who has done the unthinkable and questioned the popular consensus of the masses.

If you ask me today if I felt that games could tell a truly compelling story I would say no.

Now before you throw me into the nearest river to see if I float, there is a caveat to my position. The rationale for my newly enlightened point of view came about after watching the film Oldboy. If you haven’t seen this magnificent Korean film you may want to consider donating your eyes to medical research, as you obviously have no use for them. Anyway, a few days later a friend and I were talking, and like clockwork the conversation came around to video games. He mentioned that he had recently finished Red Dead Redemption. Like a kid fueled by sugar he excitedly told me how much he enjoyed the game. The music, the epic scope of the vistas, cheating while playing poker and a slightly disturbing obsession with randomly shooting birds and skinning armadillos.

Curious to know more I cross-examined him about the story. His eyes shot up in their sockets as his brain attempted to recall the plot. He mumbled something about not wanting to spoil anything before offering up a quest to capture an old gang member, a snake oil salesman and a dirty gravedigger.

He apologised for not being able to remember anything further but compensated for it by telling me that you are able to place damsels on train tracks. I told him that I had been watching Oldboy and he shook in his head in that boy-oh-boy way. For the next forty minutes or so we got into a verbal rally about our favourite moments, the cinematography and most importantly the story. I would reenact a scene and he would follow as we tried to one-up-each other as to who could remember the most dialogue.

Later that day we said our goodbyes and agreed to catch up soon. As I made my way home I began replaying the day in my head. Laughing to myself at the thought of our bad acting and contemplating how long we had been friends, when I realised how easy it was to remember the movie. Granted I had seen it the day before, but this just seemed to reaffirm what was emanating in my mind. A thought that made me feel like a traitor, but nevertheless I came to the conclusion that video game stories are not only for the most part terrible, they are completely forgettable.

Yes I realise that if I think the stories are terrible, the fact they are neither memorable would be a blessing in the most fantastic cosplay disguise. But even the worst film can find a comfortable spot in your brain’s long-term memory more effectively than the best game.

But what about games like Uncharted, Bioshock and Mass Effect? I will admit that these franchises have raised the bar with their application of cinematic craft to their storytelling, however I am struggling to remember any significant dialogue, beats or characterisation from any of them.

The thing is, I don’t really have a problem with it. When I sit down to play a game I’m not expecting to be blown away by its performances and writing. A video game’s mission should be to give me an interactive experience. It’s a physical and mental challenge that is disruptive and requires me to remember enemy patterns, maps and power ups. Therefore I enjoy it in a completely different way in comparison to when I sit to watch a movie. That experience is passive. Something that is far easier for me to relate to and empathise with. I willingly suspend my disbelief and submit to being scared, thrilled, appalled, and even horny. The only thing my brain is concerned about is connecting the dots of the plot and whether I want sweet or salty popcorn. Sweet whom am I kidding? Add to the fact that a game’s story is dragged out over eight hours or more, and with a movie, unless you’re watching a Ridley Scott Director’s Cut, you’re done in about two.

Plays, books, music, films and their practitioners have been around for years. They’ve all had a head start on video games and so there will always be a natural affinity towards them. They’ve had time to establish rules, conventions and genres, elements that are aped by games themselves, which brings me to my main point. Games are still evolving. Even its eldest statesmen and women are fairly young. Its star game directors and Svengalis only recognisable to a few outside of the geek zeitgeist. My hope lies in the new generation of developers, designers and writers. The mavericks embarking on an intrepid journey to establish a unique identity, that gate crash conventions and tell rules to go fuck themselves. Then maybe the next time I meet my friend we will be acting out and quoting a completely different story.

Venni Vetti Vita

2012-01-28T05:15:00.000-08:00

The greeting card cartels have managed to engineer all kinds of celebrations to make you feel guilty for forgetting, or spend money you don't have, for each month of the year-and Valentine's Day is one of the biggest.

So with that in mind, I'm here to let you know that February is going to be an expensive month. Not only do you have to rush out during lunch or after work to buy a last minute Valentine's Day card (the same one everyone else has bought) and a token gift, the PS Vita is landing in the Middle East the following week on February 22nd.

Available in two flavours and with a impressive lineup of launch titles, you could kill two rather expensive birds with one stone and make somebody very happy in February.

Wi-Fi - AED 1,149

Wi-Fi + 3G - AED 1,499

Launch titles:

Uncharted: Golden Abyss

Modnation Racers

Everybody’s Golf

Reality Fighters

Little Deviants

Wipeout 2048

Hustle Kings

Escape Plan

Top Darts

Rayman Origins

Marvel vs. Capcom 3

FIFA Football

Unit 13

F1 2011

I want to believe

2012-01-27T16:28:00.000-08:00

Could this be real?

Either somebody is playing a particularly nasty prank or
Stephen Fry is wrong and there is a God.

This, apparently, is the new portable Neo Geo.
Bragging 4.3 inches of LCD screen goodness
and 2GB of memory. But even better It comes
preloaded with this lot:

World Heroes, Ultimate 11, Top Player's Golf, Sengoku, Nam-1975, Mutation Nation, Last Resort, King of Monsters, Frenzy, Cyber-Lip, Fatal Furty Special, The Art of Fighting, Super Sidekicks, League Bowling, Metal Slug, Magical Lord, Baseball Stars Professional, Samurai Shodown, The King of Fighters '94, and Fatal Fury.

By the power of Grayskull this better be legit.

I so definitely wood!

2012-01-27T15:28:00.000-08:00

Often referred to as the Rolls-Royce of consoles, the Neo Geo is a gaming platform of elite stock.

In my time I have owned a Neo Geo CD and Pocket Colour, and to this day I am still a big fan of the system and many of its great titles.

So you can imagine that when I realised that this Consolised MVS made out of Walnut by the legends at analogueinteractive.com existed on our planet, I went postal.

I'm currently negotiating on how much I can get for my kidneys to fund an immediate purchase.

IGN's Call of Duty Vita Wishlist - Call of Duty Video - - IGN

2012-01-14T02:19:00.000-08:00

IGN's Call of Duty Vita Wishlist - Call of Duty Video - - IGN

Sales figures in Japan may not currently be what everybody was expecting, but Sony's PS Vita is still highly anticipated as its US and European launch date gets closer. One of the big selling points of the Vita are its twin analogue sticks. Which means hardcore FPS gaming while being felt up by a pervert on a packed train is imminent.

Crack COD player BobbyA1984 popped over to IGN to share his wish list of features he would like to see on blockbuster franchise when it makes its debut.

Thanks IGN.

Drake is back in the crumbling building.

2012-01-13T23:48:00.000-08:00

Review

Uncharted 3: Drake’s Deception

WARNING CONTAINS SPOILERS.

Uncharted is our game. The our that I’m referring to is my wife and I. Since the release of Uncharted: Drake’s Fortune in 2007, it has become a tradition for me to run out and purchase Uncharted immediately on release. Find the fastest way possible to get back home. Eject yet another game I haven’t finished from my PS3 and start playing the latest Nathan Drake adventure while my wife watches on and helps me solve puzzles as my co-pilot.

Drake’s Fortune was a fantastic game and a seductive taste of what was to come. But it did not prepare me for the quite astonishing sequel.
One of the most impressive and memorable titles I have ever experienced, Uncharted 2: Among Thieves is the kind of game that is as enthralling to watch as it is to play. A showpiece that you rollout to impress those non-gaming infidels you call friends, the ones that mock you about your passion for pixels, you know the ones that I mean.

With almost 5 million copies sold to date a sequel was unequivocal, and the Uncharted 3 hype train set off with a teaser trailer that had gamers and journalists pouring over every frame like crime scene investigators, in an attempt to glean clues as to where the story might be heading. The E3 demo soon followed and it did not disappoint, Drake was officially back.

However, it was the PSN single player demo that sent me over the edge with delirium. Now I’m not easily seduced by graphics. A game has to wine and dine me before I put out, but I was a complete slag for Uncharted 3’s graphics. The shimmering sands, the fluid character animation, the achingly precise detail. My eyes were not worthy and November 1st could not arrive any sooner.

October 27th, 11:47pm. My phone vibrates, it’s a text message from the video game store guy: Uncharted 3: Drake’s Deception now in stock. I thought my lucid state was playing a cruel trick. I read it again, it was real. You know what happens next. I got my copy, broke laws to get home and then...I couldn’t play it. My wife was in New York and we had our tradition. One that I began to despise. I promised her I wouldn’t touch it until she retuned. I kept my promise.

She arrived back on November 8th and before she could unpack any bedbugs we started playing. Only I’m not sure if playing is the right word. Inspired by the likes Indiana Jones and Romancing the Stone, Uncharted 3 is stunning entertainment. With one incredible cinematic set-piece after another, Naughty Dog has created a game that will have your jaw scraping the controller, refusing to let you catch your breath. They also don’t let you play much either.

For all its technical brilliance, I never quite felt that I was in total control of Drake’s fate. Whether it’s pursuing a dastardly villain through a bustling Arabic market, or running directly towards the camera in an attempt to escape a horde of deadly spiders, there is an overbearing feeling that you are sticking to a tightly written script. Any attempts at method gaming here are quickly dismissed by a black and white screen, a swift return back to your mark and the director calling action again for another take.

The game follows the formula of the previous titles with tasks divided up between platforming, puzzling and combat. There is a bigger emphasis on hand-to-hand combat in Uncharted 3. A point telegraphed from the very beginning with a burly punch up in a London pub. It’s exhilarating at first as you swing, duck and use the environment to batter your way you to the obligatory cutscene. But the repetitive button mashing, canned animations and villain types that all look the same means that it often inadvertently slows the pace of the game right down. For the most part the shooting is fun, and like the other games there are a cache of weapons to play with. There are times where it can get frustrating as you wrestle with a fidgety aiming reticule, with goons who can soak up more bullets than 50 Cent.

Nate’s trusty journal that feature important clues and his rather deft art skills are rarely required as there are fewer puzzles to solve. You do have a cool new codebreaker in your arsenal to help you crack problems, but again, the game doesn’t let you get hands-on with it. Preferring to push along with a simple button press that automatically solves everything for you. However, the puzzles that you do get to scratch your head on are simple, and make for a fun break before you are called back to the set for your next scene. And what scenes they are.

For all its expertly crafted linear design, Naughty Dog are unrivalled when it comes to eyelid searing, cinematic gaming spectacle. The way characters react to the blinding light of a torch in the eyes, or how the bottom of Drake’s trousers darkly dampen as he traipses through a bubbling river, the attention to detail is truly staggering. I often found myself gliding the analogue stick around a scene, taking a moment to marvel at the stellar art direction.

The acting is also superb as Nolan North who plays Nathan Drake and Richard McGonagle the ever loyal Sully, reveal a little more about their history and how the two first met. Like the big screen matinée idols and action stars that have clearly inspired the Nate character, our two-fisted, rugged hero is almost indestructible. He dodges bullets with swiss watch timing, has a snappy comeback for just about every situation and can traverse and climb terrain as good as any ape.

And just like the best of these iconic characters, the writers understand that what makes it all believable are the moments when we see Nate broken and at his most vulnerable. When we’re a fly on the wall of his relationship with Elena. Or when we see his expressions regress back to his childhood when Sully scolds him. The Macguffin led plot even puts Drake under the influence of drugs, and suddenly, one of the most notorious killers in video games has us empathising with every one of his tripping pixels.

Unless you are one of those people who gets turned on by the pinging notification of when you have unlocked a Playstation trophy, or like me you enjoy searching for the dozens of collectible treasures hidden throughout the game, there is no real reason to play the single player game again. The feature packed multiplayer though is a lot of fun. Like most multiplayer modes, if you do not put the hours in, you may find yourself getting annoyed by the sharpshooters who show no remorse as they easily pick you off.

But don’t let that deter you. The game constantly rewards you with money and XP, even just for running around for a certain period of time. With enough XP you can unlock new accessories for your character, clothing, weapons, boosters and kickbacks. All of which can help you carry out coldly-served revenge, making progression satisfying and addictive. Matches are fast paced and have a wealth of modes, including an excellent co-op, which you can play offline, all of which help extend the whole package and will keep you occupied until Uncharted 4 arrives.

Uncharted 3 is a phenomenal piece of interactive entertainment and will surely be a contender for game of the year. A monumental achievement that has raised the bar for what is achievable in a video game, an accolade that Naughty Dog should be proudly applauded for. I just wish I was allowed to be a part of it more.

Just when I thought it was out, I put another one back in

2012-01-13T14:33:00.000-08:00

Review
Yakuza 4

Destinies not their own
Her will is strong
Blood runs
The futility of burden.

POP!

2012-01-13T14:14:00.000-08:00

Welcome to my ramblings about video games and other cool stuff like organised crime and cereal. If you like what you see tell your friends.

If you don't, go sleep with the fishes.

J.Joseph